"If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?"

I'm stuck. Just plain stuck. Over the last couple of days all inspiration has left me, I've been emotional and in tears for no apparent reason. I have the sneaking suspicion something's up. Unresolved subconscious crap that is.

I have spent the last 4½ years away from the land of my birth, following my heart and learning about love, relationships and the human expression of the divine. The last 3½ years I spent supporting my teacher, her vision and her work, learning, apprenticing and being energetically restructured.

And since the fall of last year everything that's not been completed, resolved or processed in those years is catching up with me.

First of all my body started to give me little signs: needing more sleep, getting more and more sensitive to certain foods etc. So besides my vegetarian diet I decided to cut out all processed sugar as well, eat more fruit and amp up my vegetable intake. Still my whole digestive system started to give out; it couldn't process food properly anymore.

I continued to tell myself that making such big changes in my diet was probably causing, or at the least not helping, my digestive upset and that if I just stayed with it and gave it time it would all return to normal.

Four months down that road and it hadn't changed. I was still feeling tiredness beyond the ordinary, still not digesting properly.

To pile things up a bit more I resettled in Holland at the beginning of this year, I am running out of money fast, having a global recession to navigate, and started from absolute zero in building my own business, putting massive amounts of energy in setting up shop.

So what happened next in this personal recipe for burn out? That's right: depletion, exhaustion, being forced to face all these unresolved energies, and deal with my limiting beliefs that are now flooding to the surface like bubbles in a bottle of pop, shaken, not stirred.

It's actually quite amazing how that never fails to work. I get clear on my purpose and my goals, I amp up the energy and am really going for it, and there it is: all the related shit I haven't processed yet. And if I didn't recognize it as such, chances are considerable that I would completely loose the feeling of excitement and fulfillment that comes from living my dreams. Something that I know to be only a temporary occurrence whilst I'm 'in it'. Thank God, because if I was not aware of this dynamic I would have thrown in the towel and walked away from it all.

I guess it wasn't supposed to be. / I knew this relationship wasn't good for me. / See: I'm not good enough. / I just don't have it in me...

Sound familiar? Okay, I'm there. I just remembered what Ram Das was talking about when he said that that heavy feeling of contraction in our system actually starts to trigger an increase in our awareness of our personal process. The contraction triggers expansion. That's where I am today.

I know my body is telling me that it has had too much to digest. And it's no longer able to do it. I can't outrun my own process, I need to internally (and when appropriate externally) address any and all issues that are causing this. And what better place to start than to listen to that little voice in my head (no worries: I'm not hearing that kind of voices ;).

I can hear my internal dialog repeat the same old f'in limiting beliefs:

If you take your place in the world it will take away from others that you love.
- Better keep small and unnoticed and keep myself in a subordinate roll.

If you take your place in the world it will create financial stress for yourself and the people you love.
- Better keep small and earn just enough to get by so no one's well-being gets compromised.

I will never be able to sustain myself and my family by doing the spiritual work I love to do.
- Better look for a real job elsewhere and forget the dream.

I know them well and here I am battling them again with affirmations, prayer, ceremony and every tool I know. And it's fucking hard work I'll tell you. Loving myself enough to work through this is hard work. And yet, I acknowledge that I'm doing it. I am learning to love myself more and more and in doing so I also know I'm making the world a better place for the next generation. I know that whatever pattern I'm able to transform into something positive, that whatever belief that's restricting me now that I can dissolve into love, is one less for my future children to have to deal with.

So yes, I'm currently struggling. I know I'm struggling. I know what it is I'm struggling with and I know I will have to spend time with myself to get through it. Destiny and happiness awaits. I need to break these ropes.

Because sure as hell ghosts will not do it after I'm done here.